All in all its just another
Brick in the wall
It's been a while now. Since I have been living an absolutely Absolute Life. An absolute life? Might sound a bit strange to most. Right from childhood, we all have been programmed to live a relative life.
A life relative to a frame of reference. A frame, that makes all our activities and targets relative to and compared to a cohort. Academics, sports, extra curricular activities, almost all aspects of my life were always subservient to unwritten norms and standards. This frame formed the backbone of ones identity and relevance to the larger picture.
It provided me too, with coefficients of worthiness in all the domains. These coefficients were the objective yardsticks to measure the intangible Self. Understanding the Self was always using the maths formula-
My worth = score of pack leader
-------------------------------
My score.
The highest score I could ever get was 1. My existence was totally relative to my cohorts.Notice how my worth becomes a fraction if my score exceeds the pack leader using the above equation. I was expected to lead the pack and hence get to the 1. That was the irony, The pack provided meaning to the individual. My assessment, my identity, my value was a function of the group. The pack was the benchmark. We scarcely realise that the limitations of the pack become our own limitations. This was the gist of Jonathan Livingstone Seagull. Carl Lewis made a very telling remark when asked what he felt after winning the Olympic Gold in long jump. His father used to keep a marker at the prevalent Olympic record when Carl was practicing in the Long jump event. Carl said, he felt, that his performance could have beaten Bob Beamons world record if his father might not have kept a marker.
This programme was further deeply entrenched in Medical School.
The first seeds of rebellion were paradoxically sown in Medical School.After getting admission to Medical School, I thought I had established my being part of the lead group in the pack. Now was the time to live the moment. But, alas!, this rebelliousness was highly disapproved by self righteous colleagues and it soon became evident, that I must tow the line.
Then began the arduous climb on the path to post graduation, and thereafter super specialisation as a Neurosurgeon. A total of 13 years. The compulsion effected by the frame of reference was by now an obsession. Since I was a deemed pack leader, I had to believe in its authenticity.
But I was never comfortable. I tried to flex the muscle of rebellion, but it was all in vain. I was just "Another Brick in the Wall".
The train of Life chugged along on the tracks of conformity. It encountered all the expected stations enroute.
One fine day after living up to everyone's expectations, fulfilling my responsibilities, I threw the gauntlet to conformity. I was going to live life on my terms. No one, including myself, will ever have the authority to sit in judgement. My actions will be directed to living my life with no frame of reference.
I walked out of a failing relationship. I left my home, that I had bought with my hard earned money. I learnt to play the saxaphone. I published a book, a compilation of 70 articles featured in the Speaking Tree. I presented a paper in a Quantum Physics conference in Rome on Syntropy.I did the Chaddar Trek. I settled down again with a person, who is worthy of being a soul mate. I ventured into doing complex neurosurgery, that I earlier dreaded. I operate about 12 to 14 supra major Surgeries each month mostly on the poor, unaffording patients in a University Hospital. I have been associated with a research project to develop "cell lines" from malignant brain tumour cells. I walked the Waari. I built my own small shack on a piece of land, adjacent to a beautiful water body. I learnt kayaking and bought my own Kayak. I bought a Rottweiler as a pet. I drove to the Himalayas. I gave a public performance of my saxophone. I am an MCI recognised examiner for the Neurosurgery Examinations, a guide for Neurosurgery residency program.
Then again , I do come across the pack and other cohorts, who enquire rather sarcastically about my Career, my routine, how many patients I see, and the routine coefficients that determine my position on the ubiquitous frame. I politely smile and refrain from answering any queries. Because I'm worthless in the relative domain. I love doing different things and exploring myself. Being different is not a specific effort done to pamper the ego. It's all about respecting myself for what I am and not for what others think of me. I strive for self actualising, scaling the Maslows Pyramid. The song of Life must have a variety of notes to become a melodious symphony.
Absolute existence is not subservient to approvals, ratings, evaluations or assessments. The song stands rephrased as
"All in all I'm just a
Breach in the wall"
I am my own spectator. I play to my own gallery.
A beautiful song by Frank Sinatra that echoes these thoughts. Of course, I do hope it's not curtains for me so soon.
https://youtu.be/6E2hYDIFDIU
Brick in the wall
It's been a while now. Since I have been living an absolutely Absolute Life. An absolute life? Might sound a bit strange to most. Right from childhood, we all have been programmed to live a relative life.
A life relative to a frame of reference. A frame, that makes all our activities and targets relative to and compared to a cohort. Academics, sports, extra curricular activities, almost all aspects of my life were always subservient to unwritten norms and standards. This frame formed the backbone of ones identity and relevance to the larger picture.
It provided me too, with coefficients of worthiness in all the domains. These coefficients were the objective yardsticks to measure the intangible Self. Understanding the Self was always using the maths formula-
My worth = score of pack leader
-------------------------------
My score.
The highest score I could ever get was 1. My existence was totally relative to my cohorts.Notice how my worth becomes a fraction if my score exceeds the pack leader using the above equation. I was expected to lead the pack and hence get to the 1. That was the irony, The pack provided meaning to the individual. My assessment, my identity, my value was a function of the group. The pack was the benchmark. We scarcely realise that the limitations of the pack become our own limitations. This was the gist of Jonathan Livingstone Seagull. Carl Lewis made a very telling remark when asked what he felt after winning the Olympic Gold in long jump. His father used to keep a marker at the prevalent Olympic record when Carl was practicing in the Long jump event. Carl said, he felt, that his performance could have beaten Bob Beamons world record if his father might not have kept a marker.
This programme was further deeply entrenched in Medical School.
The first seeds of rebellion were paradoxically sown in Medical School.After getting admission to Medical School, I thought I had established my being part of the lead group in the pack. Now was the time to live the moment. But, alas!, this rebelliousness was highly disapproved by self righteous colleagues and it soon became evident, that I must tow the line.
Then began the arduous climb on the path to post graduation, and thereafter super specialisation as a Neurosurgeon. A total of 13 years. The compulsion effected by the frame of reference was by now an obsession. Since I was a deemed pack leader, I had to believe in its authenticity.
But I was never comfortable. I tried to flex the muscle of rebellion, but it was all in vain. I was just "Another Brick in the Wall".
The train of Life chugged along on the tracks of conformity. It encountered all the expected stations enroute.
One fine day after living up to everyone's expectations, fulfilling my responsibilities, I threw the gauntlet to conformity. I was going to live life on my terms. No one, including myself, will ever have the authority to sit in judgement. My actions will be directed to living my life with no frame of reference.
I walked out of a failing relationship. I left my home, that I had bought with my hard earned money. I learnt to play the saxaphone. I published a book, a compilation of 70 articles featured in the Speaking Tree. I presented a paper in a Quantum Physics conference in Rome on Syntropy.I did the Chaddar Trek. I settled down again with a person, who is worthy of being a soul mate. I ventured into doing complex neurosurgery, that I earlier dreaded. I operate about 12 to 14 supra major Surgeries each month mostly on the poor, unaffording patients in a University Hospital. I have been associated with a research project to develop "cell lines" from malignant brain tumour cells. I walked the Waari. I built my own small shack on a piece of land, adjacent to a beautiful water body. I learnt kayaking and bought my own Kayak. I bought a Rottweiler as a pet. I drove to the Himalayas. I gave a public performance of my saxophone. I am an MCI recognised examiner for the Neurosurgery Examinations, a guide for Neurosurgery residency program.
Then again , I do come across the pack and other cohorts, who enquire rather sarcastically about my Career, my routine, how many patients I see, and the routine coefficients that determine my position on the ubiquitous frame. I politely smile and refrain from answering any queries. Because I'm worthless in the relative domain. I love doing different things and exploring myself. Being different is not a specific effort done to pamper the ego. It's all about respecting myself for what I am and not for what others think of me. I strive for self actualising, scaling the Maslows Pyramid. The song of Life must have a variety of notes to become a melodious symphony.
Absolute existence is not subservient to approvals, ratings, evaluations or assessments. The song stands rephrased as
"All in all I'm just a
Breach in the wall"
I am my own spectator. I play to my own gallery.
A beautiful song by Frank Sinatra that echoes these thoughts. Of course, I do hope it's not curtains for me so soon.
https://youtu.be/6E2hYDIFDIU
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